These last few weeks have been a struggle. Ever since the burglary I notice that I’ve been giving myself a free pass. A pass to eat that cookie because it comforts me, a pass to spend $20 on scrapbooking supplies to preserve my memories, a pass to stop worrying about anything because, after all, life is short. Why waste it worrying?
While science and common sense prove that stress will kill us, I have swung too far in the other direction. I don’t really worry about anything. Nothing seems to scare me these days.
Debt no longer weighs heavily on my mind and, consequently, I have been spending too much money lately. To be fair, much of the spending has gone toward home security measures and replacing the phone I ruined dropping it in water because I was terrified to be without it for even a minute. But the total has been creeping up and I just don’t care.
This isn’t like me.
It also isn’t like me to eat out a lot or to indulge in foods that I know are bad for me. After all, I’m trying to clean up my diet, improve my lifestyle and become healthy. Cookies and garlic bread are not part of the plan. Neither is the pizza and Diet Pepsi I guzzled at a meeting last night.
My behavior is wrong. I know that. I should be sleeping, drinking water and eating a more balanced diet. I should stay away from stores and be happy with what I have and stop spending money on fast food and magazines (Magazines have long been a vice. I’m much happier when I’m not reading them too. Will have to cover that in a future post!).
I need to face the fact I’m struggling to pull it together and that I’m not especially happy most of the time. I keep thinking tomorrow will be better, next week I will be back to my old self, after I eat this wonderful slab of Chef Mary’s Cornbread Salad I will be ready to go again. But it never happens.
Today hasn’t been awful. I ate a good breakfast and reasonably balanced lunch. My snacks have been within reason. I haven’t been near a store and haven’t spent money on anything today. After work I plan to walk two miles before heading home to see my parents. I’m having dinner with them to celebrate the eight year anniversary of my dad surviving a heart attack.
And see? You would think the fear of bad genes and bad lifestyle choices would scare me into making better decisions! Not tomorrow but today!
Today I will be happy. Today I will treat my body kindly. Today I will pay attention to what my life needs. Today I will take charge and choose the good stuff. Today.